“Desire is proof of the availability…” — Robert Collier
In case you missed it, my last post was about the movie, Big Fish (a 2003 father and son drama by Tim Burton, starring Ewan McGregor, Albert Finney, and Jessica Lange, see …trust and its release …).
I looked at that movie because it illustrated the mystery of trust – both our capacity to extend trust and in our ability to release it once it no longer serves.
Today, I want to expand that discussion by looking at the gift that trust brings. Trust is not completely voluntary, but nor is it involuntary. We extend trust by allowing ourselves to take part in the dreams of others and, as a result, we become the beneficiaries of an enlarged point of view.
Everyone has had the experience of resisting the frame another person uses. It’s essentially a “you say tomato, I say toMAto” kind of moment. And, if we are big enough, we can begin to see that no one really is wrong or right.
So what happens when we give in? As we saw in my last blog about Big Fish a new world opens up. In the movie, the “field view” of the son was narrow; he framed what he wanted to see around what he felt to be true. He was ONLY looking to catch his father in a lie. All those “big fish” stories where just fabrications, there was no truth in them.
And what about the father? His “field view” — while not defined in the same way — was persistent and rejecting of the son’s point of view. And, in many ways, the central conflict of the movie was about the “framing” choices — who was going to be “right” in the way each family story was framed.
But what is amazing — is what finally happened — once the son accepted the father’s framing. By no longer trying to prove anything, an unknown vista of space opened up between the two of them. The magic of this particular movie was their mutual discovery, the discovery that what was most important to both of them was the shared sense of collaboration that could only came from trust freely given in both directions. The magic of mirroring the exact needs of another person is that you often discover the reason the relationship matters. You discover what it means not to doggedly slog through your everyday life all by yourself as though other people don’t really matter.
In the best moments of relationship, there are deep awakenings of playfulness, respect, heartfelt connection, deep democracy, collaboration and partnership, a willingness to extend commitment and desire inquire into one another’s awareness. When the feelings which surround this grand vista open up, you are in the bliss of genuine trust. And from here it feels like everything is possible.
But that type of trust cannot happen without effort. And how we frame what we feel about the relationship has a HUGE impact.
Relationships need care and attention … and unconditional acceptance. One of the hardest things to extend to someone else is unconditional acceptance — especially when something valuable is on the line.
Our attachments get in the way – and in an odd way they prevent us from see all the other good stuff that is there – if we can open our eyes and be more available to it.
As Robert Collier said, “Desire is proof of the availability…” and desire itself becomes is own kind of “framing.”
Thanks for listening!